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31st December 2008
In reference to the upcoming new year, my family and I planned a trip to Genting Highlands as we had done so almost every year. Little did I realize, this trip will show me my destiny. Maybe I had never mentioned her before, I met her in an AFS interview which my mother forced me to participate. I got through the interview and got a scholarship to Japan for 2 weeks but yeah, that’s a whole other story. Anyway, that’s how I met her. We began flirting to and fro since the past months; flirtation that are not even intense but I certainly felt a connection. She’s as if of a person which attracts me naturally even though we had only seen each other once. I started to joke about bringing her on a date and such.
As I was eating “Bak Kut Teh” with my family, she text-ed me and asked me if I compose my own songs, which I do although I suck at it. As we’re humoring each other, she suddenly asked me to compose her a love song which I gladly obeyed. I was at my piano for hours to come out with a melody for a song which will capture her heart, or at least give her a good impression of me. I was so into this that I actually continued my effort throughout my journey to the highlands with my Ipod. We texted each other for hours, even spent our first new year together through our cells.
I thought to myself, after the lost of Kimberly, at last I had someone who can make my heart beat as if of a locomotive machinery again. I found myself moved by her appearance, it changed who I was. I was having a crush on Sarah.
Love is something that science fail to explain. It is love that always supports the theory of a higher power guiding over us since you know, anything unexplainable by logic is automatically absorbed as a part of the god's myth. So, god gave us the ability to love. If i believe in god, I will be more grateful for the ability to love than life itself. But do you know, there are two main stream of love? Two totally different kind of love. The infamous unconditional love and of course, the fake love. Ironically, this is where my speech contradict each other, to me at least. Unconditional love and fake love? What the heck are you talking about?
Why? Because I don't think unconditional love exist. Everything you do.. it's selfish. Lets start from a simple example. Since normally unconditional love are bonds only exist between family so we shall go from there. I may help my family member to do something simple like cleaning up the apartment and such. At the end, who will gain the benefit? Your family members that you helped or you yourself? You! It is true that you helped your family members but nonetheless by helping them, you made yourself happy! This is then counted as a selfish act.
Have you ever experience this? That one minute you know exactly what you want then the next, not so much anymore. I was told love is something pure, something magical, something science can never explain and I believe it even until now. This is because this supposely magical feeling never fail to slap me in the face with surprises.
I am sure you have been through what I am going to tell you at a point in your life. Yeah, it is pretty common. The type of thing that happen to everyone when one day you woke up, thinking its a beautiful day and continue to get your ass forward to finish your daily task then suddenly, BAM! Your heart start to shrink when you look at someone, someone that is so close to you as a friend. You will began to tell yourself, " No, this can't be happening, yesterday and the day before that, she is just my friend, it is not possible for me to be attracted to her!". So the denial lives up until a point where you can no longer take it anymore. Why do I want her so much? The truth is I no longer have the heart to try to do anything. She is too close to me, too important for me to lose her. The risk happiness ratio is way out of balance here.
I guess I will just have to continue asking why... and remind myself never to do anything, never!
The world doesn't revolves around you! People who like you truly will not care if you are rich or poor. Do not do anymore stupid things. You know it is just a sudden rush that blocks you from seeing the logic. THINK CLEARLY! USE YOUR BRAIN!
